This past weekend, my husband and I got in a huge fight. Frankly, the reason was silly. I wasn’t in the greatest mood and I came in from work with an attitude and a chip on my shoulder. Almost as if I were looking for a fight. We got into it in the kitchen and within seconds we just exploded on one another. Adam ended up leaving the kitchen and spent the rest of the night downstairs, trying to cool off.

I laid there that night, praying and searching my heart for what I had done wrong. I just could not figure it out. The next morning, I read a book called Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. The chapter I read spoke directly to this idea of how women, at our deepest core, desire love, and men, at their deepest, desire respect. When neither feels they are getting that, conflict arises. Yet many times, the reason- needing love and respect- is not voiced. I then googled and found an article on how to respect your husband.

I realized in that chapter and reading that article that I was not respecting Adam. I had him read that same chapter and article later in the morning and he agreed that was exactly how he felt. As we got to talking and I began voicing how I feel, it dawned on me that I felt unloved, yet not by my husband.

At work, I have been struggling to find my place. I joined a new office a few months ago and since then I have just felt lost with no real direction on what my place on the team is and how to fit in. It took until last week to even be noticed that I was on the team. Through various comments and conversations, I have felt less than, unappreciated, stupid and unloved.

That morning when we talked, I realized for the first time that being unloved is how I felt for a long time. Through a bad relationship in college that ended horribly and losing friends along the way, I have fought day-in and day-out to just earn love by people. This weekend was the first time in my life I was able to define the exact reason I feel the way I feel and do the things I do- being unloved.

When we speak to people poorly, whatever the reason, that makes them feel unloved. When we are on our phones when someone else is talking to us, that is unloving. When we disregard the other persons opinion and voice our own in a way that it is the “better way” that is unloving. When we don’t stop and give our full attention in conversations, that is unloving.

I felt the need to write this today because I don’t think I am the only one who feels this way. We are all loved, by someone, somewhere, but more than any person, we are loved by God. He always stops to listen, always responds with grace and truth, and will always comfort us in every moment we ask. He is our creator and Father and he loves us, unconditionally.

I pray today that we all treat others the same way our heavenly Father does; with love.

“The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” (Proverbs 16:1-3)

When I read these verses today, I thought about prayer. Often times when I pray, I ask God to search my heart to ensure my intentions of the prayer are pure. While I like to believe all of my prayers are from a heart of good, that isn’t always the case.

Many prayers I have prayed have not been answered; at least the way I wanted. But every time this happens, it is because God’s plan is better than mine. There was something in the answer to that prayer that He didn’t feel was best for me and I have learned that in itself is the biggest blessing. Whether it be a job myself or someone else didn’t get, or whatever it may be, there was always something better he brought me that allowed me to see that His ways are better than my own.

Because of these unanswered prayers, I have learned to trust God. Now when I pray, I ask for the “thing” but I also ask that if it isn’t His best for me, that the prayer not be answered. That my heart be changed to aligned with what He has for me and that I see that as good.

I pray today you do the same.

The other day I was on a Zoom call for one of my real estate courses and the topic was about SMART goals. The way he spoke was motivational, as expected, but he described a tactic that really stuck with me called “I am” statements.

It goes like this: we all have ideas, dreams and visions about who we see ourselves as people. Whether that be dreams of what we want to do in life, ideas of ways we want to live or how we envision our characters to be. Instead of writing “I am” statements about who you already are, write them as who you want to be. Here is an example of mine:

I am an excellent wife

I am a mother

I am motivated and a motivation to others

I am consistent

I am a business owner

I own 100 rental properties with $500/each in passive income per month

I am an author

I am a public speaker

I am a blogger with 2 million active followers

I am a child of God

I am forgiven, redeemed, loved and set free.

Each of these are what I strive to be. No, I am not a mother yet, but stating it puts the thought in my mind and I begin to subconsciously see myself as a mother. I begin to believe that one day I will be and I have hope. And hope, plus prayer, is a powerful thing.

“Now faith is assurance of things hoped for, a conviction of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

I recommend you try it. Every morning, sit down and write your I am statements. And I don’t mean do it once and quit. Do it every day, consistently. Look back after 30 days and see how your mindset has changed.

“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” (Proverbs 12:1)

A few weeks ago I was at work carrying a black duffle bag on my shoulder. We wear our uniforms (“cammies” as we call them), so there are certain rules and regulations with what can and cannot be worn with the uniform. To keep good order and discipline, Marines will correct other Marines when they are not abiding by these regulations.

So I am walking down the hall and my MSgt stops me. “Hey Wiatrowski, do you know the regulations for bags that you can carry?” I looked at him surprised. “Not exactly MSgt, but the last time I wore a black backpack I was told it was not allowed.” “Really”, he said “that’s interesting. Do me a favor- go and look it up and come back to me in 20 minutes and tell me what it is”.

Now at this point I knew I was in the wrong. But I was confused because other Marines were doing it, so why couldn’t I? I looked up the uniform order for bags we could carry and come to find out, we can only carry black backpacks, not duffle bags. I reported back to him and he graciously smiled and carried on with his day.

When I read the verse above, this memory came to mind. I don’t enjoy discipline, but I realized this past week that the outcome of discipline is knowledge. If there were no correction, there would be nothing learned. Discipline isn’t intended to embarrass or insult me like I thought. It is intended to teach me, often times lessons much deeper than the surface level.

I pray we all have hearts softened to discipline, that strive for knowledge and insight.

If I have learned anything over the past couple of years, it’s that nine times out of ten when I get upset about something, it stems from unmet expectations.

Whether we realize it or not, we all have them. I have found most of mine to be subconscious, hence to why I get upset when they aren’t met. My husband called me this morning (we wake up early) on his way to work to ask me what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. He proceeded to explain that he wanted to set expectations before the actual day arrived to make sure we were on the same page.

Cute, right? It wasn’t so cute when we were dating, engaged and the first few months we were married, especially holidays. We learned the hard way that “over communication” was key for us. That we needed to project the picture of how we saw vacations, holidays, celebrations, etc. way in advance so that we could discuss how we can help meet that expectation (or not meet if it was unrealistic).

“The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.” (Proverbs 10:28)

I came across this verse this morning, in perfect timing of my husband’s phone call. When I set an expectation in my mind, I set a standard. The problem with standards is when someone comes up short, the expectation isn’t fulfilled. And we always manage to come up short.

Hope, on the other hand, allows room for error. And in that space of error is grace. This verse convicted me because I have not been replacing expectation with hope. Yet it is a sweet reminder that hope in place of expectation will bring joy.

Instead of the hardened stance of expectation, where when standards aren’t met come arguments and rage, I pray we all strive for a softened heart and hope, allowing space for failure to be met with grace and understanding.

“For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life”. (Proverbs 6:23)

Our bible study group started reading one Proverb per day starting February 1. I’ve always liked the book of Proverbs but if I am honest, I’ve not always understood its teachings. This book of the Bible (for me) takes focus and deep meditation in order to be understood. And I don’t always allow myself to do that. But it is written this way for a purpose.

Right off the bat, Solomon makes it clear, repeatedly, the reason and value of wisdom. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fool despise wisdom and instruction.” (Proverbs 1:7). He continues throughout, stating “if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.” (2:4-5). He talks about how it will guard your paths and watch over you, delivering you from evil (2:12). “She is more precious than jewels and nothing you desire can compare with her.” (3:15).

Since I was little, I’ve always wanted to be wise. Who wouldn’t? Wise people are looked up to and envied by others. As I’ve gotten older, my desire remains but my reason has changed. Now, I want to be wise in the ways of the Lord, understanding Him so that I can live my life the way He always intended. I want to experience the joy wisdom brings.

One of my downfalls in achieving this is my inability to take discipline. I really do not like when people tell me what to do. Like I hate it. It makes me cringe, causes this swirling of anger in my heart, and makes me rebel. Even to this day when someone tells me what to do, I purposely do what they told me not to just in spite. Yet this is evil at work in me and I know it. This is my thorn.

This verse reminds me that my reaction is sinful, but more so it is keeping me from going the way I should and learning wisdom. “For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light…”. God’s word and ways are my light, brightening the path He wants me to take. “…the reproofs of discipline are the way of life.” Reproof means criticism for a fault. Someone correcting me or “telling me what to do” isn’t out of spite- it’s the Lord putting them there to help direct me on the right path.

I am learning this the hard way with my husband. He loves me and has no ill intention toward me. He only wants to help me and make me better. So when he tells me to stop biting my nails, he’s doing it for my own good. This verse is teaching me to submit to correction. To have humility and humbly walk in the ways my husband is instructing, because he loves me and wants what is best for me- just like my Father in heaven.

Today I woke up missing my dad. I miss him everyday but somedays are harder than others. This is one of them.

I remember growing up on a road called Mantilla Drive. My dad built the house, as well as a few others on the street (he was a home builder). Out of all the houses we lived in growing up, this one holds the most memories.

I remember my dad built a gazebo off the back deck and I used to go down there with my friends and shoot movies with our video camera. One time, there was a wasp nest in one of the corners on the stairs. We are so afraid of getting stung so we would run as fast as we could up the stairs, past the nest and flew into the house to avoid the sting. My sister didn’t make it.

This house was cool because it had two staircases, one of which went straight above the living room couch. My brother, sister and I would climb up the ledge of the stairs and jump off the highest step onto the couch below. My dad would always come in and discipline us, repeatedly telling us we would hurt ourselves and to stop doing it. We never listened.

My dad took me to the park up the street to learn how to ride a bike. I was so scared I was going to fall. He told me we weren’t leaving the park until I learned. I cried and cried and insisted he hold the bike until I was ready. Finally, he let go of the bike and I took off. I proceeded to spend the next 5 hours riding that bike in the cul-de-sac across the street.

When I grew up, things were different than they are now. We never locked the doors to our house. We had to call our friends on the house phone or knock on their door to ask their parents directly if so-and-so could “come out and play”. We played outside until the street lights came on. We built forts and rebuilt forts after the local neighborhood security guard we called Butterfinger tore them down. Every year we mapped out our trick-or-treating route for Halloween, filling at least half a pillow case full of candy, only to be eaten by my dad. I drove my first car when I was 11 and ran it into the side of the house. I got in my first accident at 14 when I side swiped the car next to me in the parking lot. Birthday parties were hosted in the camper my parents bought in the backyard. My dad, brother, sister and I used to take the leftover firecrackers from 4th of July and light them off right as cars drove past.

My dad loved to have fun. He bought a 4-wheeler and taught us all how to drive it, watching us each day in the field behind our house as we drove back and forth. We lived in a neighborhood at the time so 4-wheelers weren’t really an “acceptable toy” according to the HOA, but we didn’t care. I used to drive that thing up to Kroger to get milk for my mom. One time, the police saw me and tried to pull me over. I wasn’t having it and took off, trying to make it to the walking trail where the cops car couldn’t fit. I didn’t quite make it in time and ended up getting pulled over. Right at that same moment, my friend Casey Cravens mom drove past and saw me. She pulled over and asked what was going on. The police explained the situation and asked her if she could drive the 4-wheeler back to our house while the police took me in the back of his car (I was only 12 at this time). As we waited at my house, the police officer, myself and my dad, for Casey’s mom, all of a sudden we heard it in the distance. She came flying around the corner at full speed, slamming on the brakes when she got to us and yelled “Man, that was fun! Whoo hoo!” We all died laughing and I didn’t get a ticket.

Man I miss my dad.

As of this moment I have 4.5 years left in the military. I never thought in a million years I would reenlist. Convinced I would get out, I began praying early last year for wisdom and understanding into what I should do when I EAS (End of Active Service). Right after my husband and I got married, I found out I had been selected for the Commandants Retention Program, a select group of Marine’s who essentially have the ability to reenlist and negotiate with the monitor (the guy who issues orders) about where their next duty station will be. Long story short, I was able to select a position at the same duty station in Maryland, allowing my husband to keep his job and for us to stay in one area. (It also came with a sweet bonus!)

We want kids. Like now. But God’s timing isn’t our own and that is a blessing. I’ve talked to/overheard conversations about co-workers with children, specifically those with kids in school. Apparently, ipads are the new whiteboard, which I did not realize and am not a fan of. They also have shared that here in Maryland, teachers are allowing/encouraging children to choose their gender. I knew some parents were doing this, but teachers?

Maybe I’ve got this wrong and if so, please correct me. But after hearing this, I started giving some real thought into how we should raise our children. I’ve shared ideas with my husband and we both do not believe in giving children the power to choose what gender they want to be. Listen folks- God made us male and female. The decision on what gender we are was not up to us and never will be. Altering our gender to fit what we think we should be is us taking matters into our own hands, thus admitting that we don’t believe God’s plan was the right one. This a dangerous game and not one I am willing to play.

So the conversation began of what our 5 year plan is and what we will do when I (maybe) EAS again. I’ve always loved real estate and saw it as a good way to build passive income, in hopes that before I separate I am able to makeup for my military income so if I needed to stay at home with kids I could.

Plans always sound great and I really feel this is the Lord’s will for me right now. But then evil comes in and starts implementing thoughts of doubt, fear and impatience. We found a house that was a really good deal the other day but didn’t move on it because of the location. It is now under contract with someone else and I kick myself for it. I found myself sitting there this morning, totally distracted by thoughts of real estate instead of reading my Bible. I realized then that balance is a must-have if I expect this to last.

Passion is good and being motivated to pursue it is also good. But everything needs balance. The first time I sold real estate in Dallas, I had no balance and it resulted in me completely leaving the industry. I don’t want that to happen this time so I am forcing myself to have balance. Therefore, I am going to encourage you to do the same. God made everything good, but Him the greatest. Let’s stay focused on Him and putting Him first- the rest will play out.