“Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit.” (Philippians 4:17)

I’ve read Philippians a dozen times or more in my life and this morning, this verse stuck out to me. Apparently I’ve just skimmed over it in the past because frankly I never realized it was there.

Philippians was written by Paul to the Church in Philippi. Paul spent three months in Philippi previous to this, sharing the gospel and growing the first Christian church there. (See Acts 16). The people of Philippi loved Paul and went to every extent to support him on his journeys. The verse above comes from a passage where Paul is describing his heart for why he appreciates their help.

Paul was filled with the Holy Spirit. Jesus was God in human form. The Holy Spirit is their spirit. Therefore, Paul was filled with the Spirit of God (the Holy Spirit). When I think about it that way, and I read the verse above, I realized a new perception of God’s heart.

God doesn’t seek the gift he gets when I am obedient to Him, serve others, give generously to others, etc. He seeks the fruit I get from the gift. So its backwards. The gift giver actually gets the gift. I think that God takes pleasure in this because he knows how fulfilling in our hearts it is to be obedient, to give, to server, etc. I had never considered it this way and was surprised and moved when I thought about it from this perspective.

I hope this makes sense.

Last night I had a dream that I had a baby. But this baby was conceived through IUI. When I had him, he was beautiful. There was a vivid moment when my dad walked in the room and I picked up my son and said “Are you ready to meet your grandpa?” My dad cried and held his grandson for the first time.

But I also remember having deep feelings of guilt. This child I had, as beautiful as he was, was born out of my own self-ambition and impatience. I wasn’t married and wanted a baby so bad that instead of waiting for God’s timing, I took matters into my own hands and forced a child into existence. (Remember, this is still a dream).

This morning, as I thought about this dream, I felt like it was the Lord speaking to me. Adam and I have prayed for a child since we got married and month after month we remain childless. Friends are getting pregnant and having children all before our eyes, yet we sit here continuing to pray for our chance.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I meditate on this verse often. As I see the way our lives are unfolding, and the opportunities the Lord is placing in front of us, I remember that His way and His timing is best. He is preparing us for a child- getting all the odds and ends in place before allowing us to bring a sweet little one into the world. If we had gotten pregnant right after we were married, it would have been joyful none the least, but a struggle. The time we have had, just Adam and I, over this past year to just be still with one another has been more of a blessing than I can describe.

We pray daily for a child. But we also follow up that prayer with another- that His timing always be better than our own.

My sister graduates from medical school in May and this past weekend we had her Match Day. For anyone who has been through medical school before, you know this is one of the biggest days of your career because it determines what Residency Program you would be going to for the next chapter in your journey.

I’ve been surprised at the amount of medical students in my sisters graduating class that are married. That may sound odd but in my head, I thought less people would be married because they go straight from college to medical school, with little time for extracurricular activities. Clearly I was wrong.

My sister was married last May and as they talked about where she would go, location was a huge factor. Her husband Will is a farmer in Western Kentucky and unfortunately, farms can’t move like normal jobs do. So it ultimately came down to what the closets programs to their home would be.

We prayed for her for months about this decision. I know my dad would have had comforting words to give her and he would remind her that family is more important than anything else.

As she stood there on Friday to open her letter, my heart ached. For the future and what it could hold for her and her husband, for the sweet purity of her excitement and eager expectation, and for my dad’s inability to be there to witness this moment. He started this journey with her. He encouraged her long ago to pursue medical school. He continued to remind her to follow her dreams, even when she got passed up for selection in medical school the first time. He was the first one she called when she got accepted, and the first one to show up to her white coat ceremony. And I know he was the first one to show up Friday to celebrate with her, even though we can’t see him. The pain remains all the more.

She was matched with the University of Kentucky Medical Center in Lexington, KY for internal medicine, one of the best programs in the state.

“Behold the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will establish a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah, not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt. For they did not continue in my covenant, and so I showed no concern for them, declared the Lord. For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declared the Lord: I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And they shall not teach, each one his neighbor and each one his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they shall know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.” (Hebrews 8: 8-12)

This one hits home for me.

The amount of times I have felt I am ruined beyond all redemption, that no matter what I do God will never forgive me. This verse brings it all home. He took me by the hand and led me out of my Egypt, the pit I had dug of my life. And even though I stumbled along the way, sometimes not continuing in His covenant, He chose to forgive me, to remember my sins no more. He put His laws into my mind, and wrote them on my heart. He became my God and I became His people. He is merciful towards me.

This is how deeply God loves us. To go to the extent of sacrificing His own Son so that we could be His people. There is nothing I can do, could do or can do in the future to earn this. It is a gift. A gift from the God who loves me enough to die for me. How incredible.

I pray today that we all sit in this truth. Let it fester in your heart. Sit with Him and grow deeper in love.

I am reading through Hebrews right now and have been sitting on the thought surrounding my priorities in life.

“Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.  For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.  For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” (Hebrews 2:14-18)

The chapters next continue to discuss priests and their high position, what they exemplify and how Jesus was the highest priest of all. I sit in this and the idea of priorities because I find myself in a season of confliction.

Since I graduated college I have struggled to find my rhythm. Everything I tried just didn’t seem to fit quite right. Whether it was a job, a group of friends, a hobby- nothing seemed to jive. I spent a few years selling real estate and that was awesome starting out, but eventually I burned out and realized I needed to move on. I spent a long season spending 3-4 days/nights a week at church, learning about Jesus and God. That was an even more awesome time in my life and I still implement much of those things (community, daily quiet time, church) into my life, but if I am honest it was overkill. I realized I don’t need to spend every waking moment at church or talking about Jesus to be a believer. I met some of the greatest friends I have ever met during that time, but again, something just wasn’t fitting right.

I moved on to the military, admittedly going back to sin in some ways, only to find once again that there isn’t life in those places. By God’s grace I got married and by God’s will I lost my father too early. After his passing, a fire lit in me. I realized life is too short to ‘wait’ to pursue my dreams. I had always wanted to invest in real estate, start and grow a family, build a home, grow a garden, give back to the community and help people. So I started doing it all. Fast forward to today and I find myself really enjoying life- I love my husband, I am learning new things at my day job and I am pursuing real estate with a tenacity like I used to have.

Yet I sat there this morning praying about priorities. At the end of this life and into my eternal home with Jesus, will investment properties matter? Will arguing with my husband to get my way matter, or will selfless, pure love? Will worshipping the God who created me and spending my life giving to Him matter more than all of that? Yes, yes it will. Yet I still find myself torn between these interests.

I pray today that I fight to put Jesus first in every moment, that I choose to love my husband over everything else, and that I have the self control to contain my passion with real estate when it merges off course.